In which I share my Xmas present Vogue subscription with you, my dear readers.
31 pages of ads start off this month’s issue, which has Kate Moss on the cover, looking a bit Essex in a belted mac and chunky necklace. There are so many ads, you have to catch yourself on and go back over them to see if there’s anything worth looking at. Nice lippie from Estee Lauder, Dolce and Gabbana show purple Yeti women hitting Vegas, Chanel has women looking droopy in high-necked blouses, standing in some Tuscan field, and Zara Phillips wears Rolex watches.
The actual content starts on page 46, and that’s the editor’s letter. Alexandra Shulman takes up another page in a rather touching obituary for a Vogue person who was apparently Very Important. I suppose the equivalent is the editor of the Guardian’s obituary clearing page to for an obit piece on the circulation manager.
Ladylike Chic has returned. Oh no, does that mean we’ll have to wear those awful penny-loafers with heels again? Oh no, it means lots of beige and belts. Vogue advises brightening things up with contrasting ankle straps in shocking jade or electric blue, or seeking out fun in taffeta bunny ears. That’s right. Taffeta Bunny Ears are where it’s at for Vogue ladies.
Or you could go urban in a Hussein Chalayan wetsuit top in electric blue, with grey checked skirt, inspired by the urban landscape, apparently.
Emma Watson looks very pretty in Burberry. Burberry world is full of pouting posh boys hanging around gates with Emma. It’s about as close as fashion advertising gets to a kitchen sink documentary.
“Recycle chic” – apparently not about how fashionistas have taken my 1983 wardrobe, put it on some poor waif from Uzbekistan, and told her to pout at the cameras. Oh no. It’s about designers transforming hideous unwearable rags into hideous, unwearable expensive rags. Even Philip Treacy makes hats out of bin bags, don’t you know.
Somebody called Bianca Brandoline is very tall and wears dresses “in the same way she wears jeans”. What does that mean? Around her waist? With an ancient Pixies t-shirt? When she’s on holiday she leave sea salt in her hair to give it extra texture.
Kate Bosworth lives a life in fashion’s spotlight. She goes to parties and shops. But she’s a Capricorn, which means she shops quickly. So that’s alright then.
Somebody called Kapka Kassova lost her boyfriend when he got a Muslim acquaintance pregnant (but wasn’t sure why), converted to Islam and married the preggers girl. Leaving poor Kapka alone with her memories and an invitation to an international convention of orchids. They squeezed two pages out of this one, with hardly any pictures. But then, the actual editorial/ads ratio was close to 50/50, even if you don’t count the endless classifieds and “directories” at the back.
Some designers makeover the traditional hospital gown for charity. It counts as an achievement that Vogue can make even teenage cancer survivors sound smug and irritating.
For Autumn, buy tweeds and wear big boots. Houndstooth is huge, just huge.
Pixie Geldof wears leather jackets and looks sad in a playground. From the back in one of them, she’s a dead ringer for Shirlie out of Pepsi & Shirlie.
This season’s sexy is Tomboy or Vamp? Tomboys wear jeans and mannish jackets; Vamps wear tight skirts and blouses with puffy sleeves. Who knew.
In the Beauty section, it’s all about dove grey eyeshadow and squoval eyes. My mate at Get Lippie says squoval is something to do with nails. Maybe it’s the shape of the scars left on a model’s eyes after a post-show scrap. Don’t ditch your straighteners, by the way, just use them differently. I dunno how differently. Could you reheat tea with them, perhaps?
Right at the back, where the horoscopes used to be, there are hundreds of estate agent ads for million-pound houses, including the former Gabonese embassy in Wimbledon (rebuilt and yours for £18 million). Or if a waterfront property is more your bag, try a penthouse in Portsmouth. That’s right…Portsmouth.