Outside our garden door this morning, behind the recycling box that the council still hasn’t picked up, and the bin that they only empty when Jupiter is in the ascendant, was a huge, runny pile of shit. It wasn’t dog shit; dogs tend to shit as they go along in the street. Some evil, lazy filthy little fucking twerp saw a quiet corner next to the bench, hunkered down and dropped his load right outside our front door. And dogs don’t eat diced red peppers.

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